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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Undiscovered Organisms #1

Of all the weird beasts of the geographically eclectic wonder that is the continental US, perhaps none is stranger than the irascible cryptozoologist. But who can fault these touchy pseudo-scientists? Those new species are hard to come by, the interesting ones at least! Sure there are innumerable unnamed organisms in a pinch of top soil, but those are teeny and boring. Sure, an amoeba can encyst itself to survive the harsh climates of space itself, but can it wash an apple in a puddle before eating it? Can it walk upright like a man? No. It cannot do those things. It is the cryptozoologist’s charge to find the things that do. Even if they don’t actually exist. With the ongoing encroachment of sprawl into our nation’s neither-regions and the destruction and/or cooption (by those anchovy-eating big city developers) of anything that is geographically interesting about the world, the remaining undiscovered brutes must flee or face the hell of mini-malls and homeowner associations. In this comic, the cryptozooligist can finally glimpse some of those beings he desperately seeks: the desert-loving Mitzi with all its stoic majesty, the mucous-nosed Janice of the birch-lands, King Biff of the dirt realm, and the perplexingly optimistic Corey of the buttercup fields. These creatures may soon be gone forever along with the landscapes they inhabit, but this digitized cartoon will last until the network of Pentium-driven servers melt to little puddles of non-degradable crap when the warpigs finally destroy us all with their fell weaponry and subprime mortgages.

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